


Hold Onto Me

by starrywrite



Category: Video Blogging & YouTube RPF
Genre: Angst, Dan!Angst, Fluff, M/M, Original Character Death(s), Phil is the best yay, mentions of depression and anxiety
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-03
Updated: 2014-01-03
Packaged: 2018-01-07 06:03:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,553
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1116375
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/starrywrite/pseuds/starrywrite
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dan’s broken, and Phil loves him so much; he’ll always be there there to pick up the pieces. </p><p>"I could never leave, I will never leave, so hold onto me, hold onto me," - Mayday Parade, Hold Onto Me</p>
            </blockquote>





	Hold Onto Me

**Author's Note:**

  * For [sohmaskyos](https://archiveofourown.org/users/sohmaskyos/gifts).



> well this is a mother of a fic omfg. but first and foremost, this is dedicated to my wife alex <3333 (PS HAPPY BIRTHDAY CUTIE :*) who loves the angst and when i told her the idea she really liked it and that encouraged me to actually write it as opposed to just have it sit in my brain lol so i hope you like it cutie :* and i hope whoever decides to read this likes it as well :D i really enjoyed writing it and i like the final outcome of it all yay and yeah here we go i hope you enjoy!!! 
> 
> disclaimer: phan is not real and i am in no way claiming this couple is real. i just ship them kinda hard.

Dan shuffles out into the lounge, causing Phil to glance up and smile a little, moving his laptop from the couch to the coffee table in front of him. “Morning, sleeping beauty,” he comments as Dan all but throws himself on the couch, his head landing in Phil’s lap, which makes the elder boy to blush bright crimson. 

Dan groans, “I don’t even remember falling asleep last night,” he says, then yawns, rolling over so he’s lying on his back, his head still in Phil’s lap, as if his legs have suddenly become a pillow suit for him only. 

“That’s because you passed out at your desk,” Phil tells him, idly running his fingers through the curly lock of Dan’s hair. He always liked it when Dan didn’t bother to straighten his hair. “You need to stop editing for ten hours straight; you’re going to kill yourself,”

“If I die you need to upload for me,” Dan just says in reply and Phil rolls his eyes. “Wait,” he glances up at his friend. “If I fell asleep at my desk, why did I wake up in my bed?”

Phil shrugs a little, feeling the blush rising to his cheeks once again. “I might have moved you to your bed after you fell asleep,” he admits. “Y’know, don’t want you to mess up your neck or anything,”

Dan’s lips curl into a smile, his adorable dimples caving in his cheeks and Phil’s heart does that flippy over thing that it always does when Dan smiles at him. “You’re the best, you know that, right?” Dan tells him, and Phil shrugs again as if it’s no big deal, but his whole face feels hot and judging by the sudden smirk on Dan’s face, he knows he’s blushing. 

“Yeah, I know,” he replies simply and Dan chuckles a little. “Move your head before my laptop burns a hole in your fringe,” he adds reaching over to the coffee table for his laptop.

Dan pouts. “Is your laptop more important than me?” he asks, jokingly.

“Is _your_ laptop more important than _me_?” Phil asks in reply, laughing a little because Dan’s so silly sometimes. _No one_ is more important to him than he is. 

“Don’t turn this around on me, Lester,” Dan says and Phil opens his mouth to reply when they’re both suddenly distracted by the sound of Dan’s phone vibrating and Dan says, “We'll continue this in a minute,” as he answers the phone call, and Phil shakes his head, smiling. “Hello?” Dan sits up finally, and Phil places his laptop back in his lap. “Oh, hey mum,” 

_“Dan, honey, there’s something I need to tell you,”_ she says.

Dan frowns a little, “Okay…” he says slowly. 

_“Do you remember your friend, Alix?”_ his mom asks, and Dan perks up immediately. How could he forget her? She was one of the first friends he made, his first kiss, his first date, and they still kept in contact with each other every once and a while, which said a lot because Dan didn’t really talk to many of his friends from school anymore - mostly because they didn’t want to talk to him that much, but Alix was the exception. 

“Yeah, of course!” he says with a smile. “Her birthday’s coming up, isn’t it? I’ll have to call her, or something,”

He hears his mom sigh a little. _”Oh, Dan,”_ she says sadly, and Dan suddenly feels his stomach drop because something tells him what she’s about to say next isn’t going to be good. _“Dan… Alix passed away today,”_ she finally tells him.

Dan’s entire body goes rigid, and it feels like someone punched him in the stomach, all the air leaving his body. His mouth opens a little as he struggles to say something, but all he can do is sit there in shock. She… she can’t be dead. She can’t be.

Phil hears the sound of Dan’s cell phone dropping to the floor, bouncing against the wood, and it causes him to jump a little, but he notices Dan’s just sitting there, eyes staring forward but looking at nothing, his hand still up by his ear as if he’s holding his phone still. And Phil instantly knows something’s wrong. “Dan?” Dan doesn’t say anything, so Phil reaches down for his cell phone and says, “Hello?”

 _“Oh, Phil, dear,”_ it’s Dan’s mom, and Phil’s mind is racing; is his dad okay, his brother? Was there a death in the family?

“Is everything okay, Mrs. Howell?” Phil asks slowly, trying to stay calm because the last thing he needs to do right now is freak out when Dan’s already so freaked out.

 _“One of Dan’s old friends passed away today,”_ she explained to him. Phil gasped a little and immediately reached out to grasp Dan’s hand tightly. Faintly, the younger boy gave his hand a little squeeze in reply, which comforted Phil because at least he knew he wouldn’t have to call 999 due to Dan being in shock or something. Mrs. Howell went on to explain that she was in a car accident and didn’t make it, and then told Phil details of the funeral to pass along to Dan in case he wanted to attend. _“Take care of him, okay Phil?”_ she told him as the two wrapped up the phone call. 

“Yeah, of course,” Phil tells her, giving Dan’s hand a little squeeze as he says that. He then tells her goodbye and hangs up Dan’s phone, turning his body so he’s facing the other boy. “You want to talk about it?” he asks gently.

Dan shakes his head immediately, closing his eyes and taking a deep breath because his chest feels tight and his stomach is in knots, and he still can’t wrap his mind around all of this. How could she be dead? He just talked to her last week, a week ago, and she was fine. How could it have happened so fast? How could he have lost his friend? He swallows thickly and takes a deep breath, exhaling slowly but it’s getting hard to breathe because he’s freaking out like he always does when he gets upset and worked up; he’s sure the proper term for it is “anxiety attack” but he can’t be bothered to think about the technical terms of what’s wrong with him. he’s too busy dwelling on the fact that his childhood friend is gone and he didn’t even get to say goodbye.

Phil doesn’t hesitate to reach out and pull Dan in close to him, wrapping his arms tightly around him and he can feel Dan practically melting under his embrace. “It’s okay,” he says softly to him, rubbing his back comfortingly. “It’s going to be okay,” and they just sit there like this for a little while, and Phil almost feels selfish thinking how nice it is to just hold Dan in his arms.

* * *

Phil worries about Dan. He worries because he stays up too late and doesn’t get enough sleep, the deep bags under his eyes a dead giveaway. He worries because he works too hard and stresses too much when it comes you the radio show and his videos. He worries because he’s quite the perfectionist but he’s also really lazy and procrastinate too much. He worries because more often than not he pushes himself to his breaking point.

But he mostly worries because Dan doesn’t really deal with things in a healthy way. When he’s stressed or sad or upset, he tends to shut down. He gets overwhelmed and he doesn’t know what to do with his emotions or how to express how he’s feeling, and Phil’s seen first hand that he just stops doing anything and everything; in short, he shuts down. He doesn’t deal with what’s bothering him and instead lets it eat away at him until he breaks. And Phil tries to get Dan to talk to him but mostly, Phil’s just there for him and he holds him when he needs to be held and he picks up the pieces after he’s broken. 

But low and behold, it’s happening now and Dan’s never dealt with death before - aside from his dog dying - so he doesn’t know what to do when his mom tells him the news, and by the end of the night, Phil finds him lying face down on his bed. “You okay?” he asks softly. Dan doesn’t reply, he just lies there and Phil waits patiently for the reply that isn’t coming. Phil takes that as the first sign that things aren’t going to be okay.

* * *

Alix’s funeral is at the end of the week, yet Dan shows no signs of even wanting to go. For the most part, he lies in his bed and Phil can tell he isn’t sleeping. He isn’t eating, spare for when Phil comes into his room with soup or a sandwich for him, reminding him that he needs to eat something. But for the most part, Phil gives him his space because he doesn’t know what else to do. Dan doesn’t want to talk about and Phil can’t make him talk about it; he has to be ready to. So in the meantime, Phil does what he does best: he takes care of Dan. 

It never crosses his mind why he does all this either, that answer is simple. He loves Dan. Fuck, he loves him so much, and all he wants out of life is for him to be happy. Because Dan deserves happiness and it breaks his heart to see him so upset sometimes. But still, he doesn’t know what to do other than be there for him and wait until he’s ready to open up. However long it may take.

* * *

It was the middle of the when Phil is awoken by the sound of his bedroom door creaking open and a faint voice saying, “Phil?”

He recognizes the voice immediately; it's Dan. He blindly slaps his bedside table, searching for his glasses and trying to turn on his lamp - whichever happens first. Finally, he finds his glasses and sits up, stifling a yawn as he turns his lamp on. “Hey,” he says to Dan, watching the younger boy lurk in his doorway. Phil can see his cheeks are stained with tears, which Dan hastily wipes at as he stands by Phil's door, rocking back and forth on his heels. "You okay?" Phil asks gently, and he waits patiently for Dan's reply.

“I,” he pauses, clearing his throat, then continues, “Can I, um, stay in your room tonight?” he asks timidly.

“Yeah, of course,” Phil immediately pulls his covers back, moving to the other side of his bed so Dan can have the warm patch. Dan hesitates for a moment before crossing Phil's room and climbing into bed next to him, muttering a thank you to him. His cheeks are dusted light pink and Phil can only imagine how hard it had to have been for Dan to come here. Dan has far too much pride for his sake; the two of them both know that Dan's more dependent on Phil than the other boy is on him, but Dan's twenty-two now and Phil knows him well enough to know that he's probably beating himself up for needing him. Phil doesn't care though, never has. He _likes_ that Dan needs him so much.

As Dan lies in Phil's bed, the older boy drags the covers up over him, tucking him in a little and Dan nestles in close to him. “You alright?” Phil asks as he drapes an arm across Dan, holding him as the two of them lie together. This isn't foreign to the two of them; Phil can't count on two hands how many times the two of them have cuddled together. Dan's just a cuddly person and cuddling with Dan has become one of Phil's favorite things.

“Bad dream,” Dan replies quietly, rolling over to lie on his side, back facing Phil. Before Phil can ever consider asking, Dan quickly says, “I don't want to talk about it,” and the two of them fall silent for a few moments.

Phil feels so helpless because it’s obvious Dan’s hurting and he has no idea what to do to make it better. He looks at Dan lying next to him, he’s not sleeping but he’s not saying anything, and there’s minimal space between them and Phil can hear is erratic heartbeat. He’s been so on edge lately. Phil just wants to take the pain away. 

“I know what you’re going through,” after a while, Phil speaks up softly, and Dan stills a little so he knows that he’s listening. “My final year of uni one of my best friends died suddenly,” he continues even though Dan knows the story; he’s heard it before, but Phil knows it won’t hurt to hear it again. “I lived with him for three years, and it really messed me up. The whole last year of uni is actually a blur because I spent so much time missing him but also trying to forget how much it hurt not to have him around anymore,”

“So,” Dan swallows before asking, “How did you get over it?”

“You don’t really get over it; you get better,” Phil explains. “It took a long time but I started swapping the sadness for some of the funnier and happier memories that we had together. Because I know for sure he wouldn’t want me to spend the rest of my life sad. His death also taught me to embrace whatever opportunities came my way - which turned out to be a good thing, because it was a hell of a risk meeting you at Manchester Station that day,” he gives Dan a little squeeze as he says that, and he feels Dan relax under his embrace. “But it takes time, you know,” Phil says. “You’re not going to feel better overnight, but you will one day. I promise, okay?”

Dan’s silent for a moment before he whispers back, “Okay,” and he hesitantly takes Phil’s wrist, wrapping the other boy’s arm around his waist. Phil smiles, and he pulls Dan in close to him, holding him in his arms until the younger boy drifts off to sleep. 

* * *

The end of the week rolls around quickly and before either Dan or Phil knew it, it was the day of Alix’s funeral. A few days ago, Dan called his mom to tell him that he was going to go, but Phil could see he was regretting the decision already. He finds Dan standing in front of his mirror, hand trembling violently as he struggles to tie his bowtie. Phil takes it upon himself to step in because at this rate, Dan’s going to show up looking like he dressed himself while intoxicated and nobody wants that. “Here, let me help,” he says and gently takes to adjusting his bowtie. Dan just nodded, a little too rapidly for it to be considered normal, and he exhales slowly. Phil bites back the question, are you okay?, because it’s obvious he’s not and instead tells him, “It’s going to be alright, you know. You’re going to make it through today just fine,”

Dan swallows thickly. “Will - can you -” he cuts himself off, exhaling slowly again and bringing a hand up to rub at his temples. 

“Yeah? What is it, what do you need?” Phil asks gently, placing one hand on Dan’s shoulder.

“I don’t - can you come with me, please?” Dan blurts out, then swallows thickly. “I don’t want to go alone, and I - please?” he just asks helplessly, and he sounds like he’s going to cry or something and Phil can’t help but to pull him into a hug. Dan clings to Phil tightly, burying his face against Phil’s shoulder, his fingers gripping onto him tightly as if he’ll leave him. 

“I’ll come with you,” Phil tells him, rubbing his back comfortingly. 

Dan exhales a sigh of relief, but he doesn’t loosen his grip on Phil. “Thank you,” he says softly. 

It takes him a moment to compose himself, and when he finally does, Phil can tell he’s embarrassed now, so he reaches out to cup his face in his hands, his thumb grazing against Dan’s cheek. A moment passes before Dan meets his eyes; his brown irises are full of melancholy and woe, and it hurts Phil’s heart to see him this way, because he’s usually so full of life. Phil manages a small smile for him and tells him one more time that it’s okay, and Dan just nods in response to that, forcing a bit of a smile and reluctantly lets Phil leave the room to get ready. 

Dan balls his fists into hands and brings them up to his face, pressing the bottoms of his palms into his eyes. _‘Keep it together,’_ he tells himself, because he’s so close to falling apart. _‘Just keep it together,’_

He takes a deep breath and sits down on his bed. He can’t be bothered to straighten his hair or put his earrings in; he’s too distraught to even think clearly right now. It’s been almost a week, yet he still can’t wrap his mind around any of this… how could she have died? Why couldn’t she have been saved? Why didn’t he get a chance to say goodbye?

It doesn’t take Phil long to get dressed in his best suit and quickly tie his own bowtie, and Dan takes a deep breath as they exit their flat. His chest feels tight and his stomach is in knots. By the time they get in the cab and give the driver directions to the funeral, he feels like he’s broken out in a cold sweat. He’s never been to a funeral before. What’s he supposed to do? What’s he supposed to say to anyone? The closer they get, the more Dan doesn’t want to do this and he hates himself for wishing that he would’ve said he couldn’t go. He needs to just suck it up and deal with it, but he can’t and he just wants to go home.

He nearly jumps out of his skin when he feels Phil reach for his hand, and he looks over to him. Phil offers him a small smile and gives his hand a small squeeze, and Dan just wants to crawl into his lap and have Phil hold him and tell him everything’s going to be okay. But he doesn’t. Instead, he just squeezes his hand back and doesn’t let go for the duration of the drive.

* * *

The day goes by in a blur, and finally Dan and Phil are back home. Dan hasn’t said a word for most of the day and in turn, Phil doesn’t say much to him; partially because he wants to give Dan his space and he wants him to be ready and willing to talk to him, partially because he doesn’t really know what and Phil can see how tense he is. Dan drops down onto the couch in the lounge, his head in his hands and Phil takes a seat next to him, wrapping an am around his shoulders. Dan drops his head down against his shoulder, and Phil gives him a little side hug. “You okay?” 

Dan hesitates for a moment. “I don’t know,” he finally says, and there’s a moment of silence where Phil considers the fact that Dan might speak up and tell Phil how he’s so utterly afraid of death and dying and not getting a chance to tell someone goodbye, when Dan just abruptly sits upright and Phil feels as if he’s done something wrong. “I’m going to my room,” he says suddenly and stands so abruptly Phil nearly gets knocked off of the couch.

“Dan, I -”

“Phil, I just need to be alone right now, okay?” Dan cuts him off, and he doesn’t give Phil a chance to even consider a response because he runs off and escapes to his room. Phil should really be used to this by now; Dan’s an expert at running away from dealing with his feelings.

Phil just sighs heavily. Dan’s such a little shit sometimes - bottling up all his feelings and running away from them every chance he gets. Phil just doesn’t understand how someone can go around not feeling, he doesn’t understand how Dan just won’t let him in. For fuck’s sake, they’ve been each other’s best friends for years and they tell each other everything - maybe not _everything_ since Phil still won’t own up to his little crush on Dan, but that’s neither here nor there - and Phil can’t figure out why Dan’s still so closed off sometimes. Why can’t he just let Phil in?

Trudging into the kitchen and yanking his bowtie off, Phil grabs a mug from the cabinet and goes to make himself some tea, in hopes of calming himself down because he just needs to clear his mind and hopefully -

There’s a loud clattering of noises coming from Dan’s bedroom, and Phil stops what he’s doing to pause and listen. At first there’s nothing, but then he hears it again - the sounds of things… falling over? 

“Dan?” Phil calls out, but gets no reply. “Dan?” deciding to just go check up on him because what harm could it do, Phil disregards his tea and heads over to Dan’s room. His bedroom door is ajar and Phil takes a peek inside, only to let out a small yelp when he sees Dan throw a book-shaped object towards the door. It collides against the wall and almost immediately after, he throws another, and Phil can’t deny that he’s a little scared right now. Dan’s not really known for dramatic, room destroying breakdowns like this but as he gets another peek into his room he can see this is exactly what’s happening. Dan’s room is slowly becoming trashed as he knocks things off of his dresser and throws things at the walls; Phil can almost _feel_ the pent up frustration radiating off of him. But he can’t let him keep doing this - keeping himself from expressing his thoughts and feelings, and trashing his room like this because if worse comes to worse he’s going to hurt himself or put a hole in the wall. 

“Dan? Dan - Bear, you gotta stop,” Phil enters his room quickly before Dan can get the chance to throw anything at his head.

Startled by Phil’s voice, Dan turns around quickly, tears sliding down his cheeks and chest heaving. “Get out, Phil,” he says instantly, his voice raspy. 

“Dan, please just talk to me,” Phil pleads with him because he can’t wait anymore for Dan to come to him; this has to happen whether Dan likes it or not. 

“Just leave me alone, damn it!” Dan snaps, and Phil swallows back any hurt he might feel because Dan doesn’t mean it, he knows Dan and he knows he’s lashing out because he’s upset and he knows he can’t take any of this personally. 

“Dan, it’s okay to be upset-”

“Phil,just _go_!” Dan brings his hands up to Phil’s chest, ready to push him away but he’s taken by surprise when Phil grabs his wrists, stopping him. He trashes about a bit, struggling to break Phil’s grasp yelling, “Let me go! Leave me alone!” but Phil doesn’t let up and he wraps his arms tightly around Dan, and that’s all it takes for Dan to break completely, all his bodyweight collapsing against Phil as he just gives up and rough sobs escape his lips, a fresh wave of tears rolling down his cheeks. Phil holds onto him tightly, gently lowering the two of them to the floor and holds Dan while he cries to his heart content, placing feather light kisses to his hair, whispering that it’s okay and that he isn’t going anywhere (and biting his tongue from whispering that _he loves Dan so much and he’s going to take all of his sadness away and he’s going to make it all better, he promises because he just fucking loves him so much_ \- because Dan’s got enough on his plate right now so Phil just keeps that bit to himself).

* * *

Hours pass and Dan and Phil are still in their white button down shirts and black slacks from the funeral, and Dan’s curly hair is matted to his forehead with sweat, his chest heaving just a little more heavily than normal, but his back is pressed to Phil’s front and the other boy can feel his heartbeat returning to normal and he isn’t worried anymore. Phil’s got his arms wrapped around tightly around Dan’s waist, his chin tucked in against Dan’s neck. Every so often, Dan sniffles and sighs, and Phil runs his hand up and down his arm, keeping up the soothing motion even after Dan soon drifts off into a light sleep. 

Phil chews on his bottom lip, biting back a sigh. Sometimes it blows his mind just how much Dan… needs him. Him and Dan have history; he’s known him since he was an unconfident, shy, sometimes too sad, sometimes too stressed eighteen year old boy. He remembers their late night Skype calls, Dan freaking out to him about school and failing his classes and fucking up his future and getting fired and feeling so unimportant in the world, and how Dan would get so short of breath, how the tears would start falling down his cheeks without him even realizing him, how he would say over and over again how he just wished Phil was with him because he didn’t want anything more than to be with him. Fast forward four years and Dan isn’t as bad as he was when he was eighteen. He still panics and stresses, but it’s about things like work and YouTube and taxes and doing something significant with his life, and it’s definitely doesn’t happen as frequently as it used to - but when it does, Dan still goes to Phil. 

Phil never realized how nice it is to be needed. Especially by Dan. 

He holds Dan a little bit closer as he thinks about Dan right now, and how he’s never had to go through something like this before and when he’s worked up, he knows how he can get - depressed, anxious, self-destructive in more ways than one. And he’s terrified of Dan breaking beyond repair and that’s the last thing he wants. 

He closes his eyes, and as he starts to fall asleep, he promises himself that he’s not going to let Dan hurt anymore. He doesn’t know how, but he won’t let it happen. 

* * *

Hours pass and Dan and Phil are still in their white button down shirts and black slacks from the funeral, and Dan’s curly hair is matted to his forehead with sweat, his chest heaving just a little more heavily than normal, but every so often, Phil runs his hand up and down his arm and he’s pretty positive that just having Phil here with him right now is making him feel loads better. 

He sighs a little. He’s so damn pathetic sometimes, and he literally has no idea how Phil puts up with him day in and day out. He’s a mess to put it simply; he puts himself through hell because he has no idea how to talk about what he’s thinking or feeling without sounding like a total twat. He doesn’t open up when he should, he doesn’t tell Phil when he’s upset or scared or sad - he just keeps it all bottled in until nights like this when he breaks down and destroys his bedroom (which is going to be a bitch and a half to clean up tomorrow, but Phil told him not to worry about that right now and he held him close and Dan felt a little bit okay for the first time in a while). 

Dan’s known it for a long time now, but he’s just really lucky to have Phil in his life. It goes without saying that Dan’s a bit of a difficult person to be friends with, nevermind living with, but no matter what, Phil’s always been there for him and he’s always taken such good care of him.

As Dan starts to drift off to sleep, a genuine smile graces his face because he’s starting to realize just how much he loves Phil. 

* * *

The next few days go by uneventfully, especially after Dan and Phil clean up Dan’s room after the destruction of Hurricane Dan. And things are slowly getting back to normal, but at the same time, not really because Dan gets kind of clingy with Phil - not that the elder boy minds, honestly. But Dan’s taken comfort in the fact that Phil’s there for him and always going to be there for him and it’s resulted in Dan being a bit clingy, for lack of a better term. Because he doesn’t like leaving Phil’s side for too long and they cuddle more often than they did before and it’s even gotten to the point where Dan starts sleeping in his room with him because, apparently Dan sleeps better next to Phil (to Phil replied, “Awh!” and Dan blushed redder than Phil had ever seen him blush before). 

Phil knows better than to get used to all of this because it’s probably temporary, but he can’t control the way his heart feels when Dan snuggles close to him or whispers to him how much he appreciates having him in his life. He has to remind himself that Dan’s only acting like this because he needs someone right now… but what if he doesn’t? And what if Phil’s not crazy and what if he should get used to all of this? 

At the same time, Dan’s going through his own personal inner turmoil because he’s been by Phil’s side nearly twenty-four/seven, and on one hand, he feels like he’s probably annoying the hell out of Phil at this point. Dan’s been leeching off of Phil for damn near four years but he can’t help it because for the past four years, Phil’s been the only constant thing in his life that’s made him feel happy and alive. The past two weeks have been no exception; Dan’s been vulnerable and sad, and Phil’s been there to hold his hand through it all - literally. He’s slowly coming to terms that all he really wants is to just be by Phil’s side. But what if… what if Dan wants _more_?

* * *

Even though it had only been a few days, Dan has gotten used to not only waking up in Phil’s bed and in Phil’s room, but next to him with his arm draped loosely over his waist and his hair pushed back against his forehead, mouth open just slightly and soft snores escaping his lips. It’s become Dan’s favorite way to wake up, honestly. 

So today, when he realizes he’s woken up alone, it’s a little disheartening. He rolls over to see that Phil isn’t lying beside him, and he can’t help but to frown because he can’t remember the last time in the past few days that he’s woken up _without_ Phil. 

Throwing Phil’s duvet back, he gets to his feet and heads towards the hall, sleepily calling out, “Phil?” but receives no reply. Curiously, he pauses for a moment and he repeats, “Phil?” 

Again, he’s greeted with only silence and he’d be lying if he said he didn’t break out in a nervous sweat at the moment - which is probably something he should see a doctor about because it’s so fucking annoying - and he says one more time, louder this time, “Phil!” this time when he doesn’t get a reply, he wastes no time rushing down to the kitchen where he assumes Phil is and he’s hoping he just has headphones in or something and that’s why he hasn’t been able to hear Dan’s cries for him. But when enters the kitchen, Phil is nowhere in sight. He checks the lounge and Phil isn’t there either. 

Dan feels like he’s going to be sick. Where is Phil? How could he just not be here? Taking a deep breath, he reminds himself to be rational and not to panic, and it takes a moment for him to remember he has a cell phone and that he can call Phil. Rushing back to Phil’s room, he grabs his cell phone from Phil’s nightstand and his hands are shaking so much it takes him three tries to actually dial Phil’s number. He brings his phone up to his ear, whispering erratically, “Please pick up, please pick up,” 

There’s a click on the other line and Dan can almost cry with relief when he hears Phil answer, “Hello?”

Dan chokes on a sigh of relief. “Phil,”

“God - Dan, I’m so sorry,” Phil starts. “The BBC called really early this morning and I didn’t want to wake you-”

“It’s okay,” Dan cuts in weakly, and he lowers himself down on the edge of Phil’s bed, running his free hand over his face. “I just - yeah, no, it’s alright,”

“I’ll be home really soon,” Phil tells him. “Half an hour - an hour at most, okay?” 

“Okay,” Dan repeats quietly.

Phil pauses. “Are you sure you’re okay?” he asks gently. 

Dan wants to say he’s not, he wants to tell Phil that he was scared shitless when he woke up and realized he wasn’t here, but instead all he says is, “Y - yeah, I’m okay,” he swallows and then asks, “An hour right?”

“Half an hour if I can rush this meeting along,” Phil tells him and apologizes about three more times before Dan insists that he’s fine and the two of them hang up. Dan drops back onto Phil’s bed, lying on his back and bringing his hands up, pressing them against his eyes. He exhales shakily. _‘Phil’s fine,’_ he tells himself. _‘No need to freak - he’s fine,’_ and he tells himself this over and over again until he can feel the tension melt away from his chest and he finally brings himself up to his feet once again and heads into the lounge with the intention to play some Animal Crossing to sooth his frayed nerves. 

True to his word, Phil ends up back home in just over half an hour and he rushes into the lounge immediately. “Hey,”

Dan glances up from his DS and smiles when he sees Phil there. “Hey,” his discards his game as Phil comes to sit next to him on the couch.

Phil wraps an arm around Dan’s shoulders, pulling him in close to him and tells him, “I’m sorry for leaving without telling you this morning,”

Dan shrugs, trying to play it off nonchalantly - as if he didn’t have a complete anxiety attack over it. “It’s no big deal,” he mutters. 

“Dan,” Phil sighs, because he knows Dan and he knows it’s a big deal. He rubs Dan’s arm and tells him, “C’mon, bear, just… talk to me,” 

Dan feels himself melt when he hears Phil call him by his old childhood nickname, and he just rests his head on Phil’s chest and sighs softly. “I was just… really scared today,” he admitted quietly. “When I woke up and you weren’t there, and I don’t know, I just -” Dan stops himself, trying to collect his thoughts, and finally tilts his head back slightly to meet Phil’s eyes and he says quietly, “I don’t want to lose you, Phil,”

Phil’s heart is torn between breaking a little and growing three times in size because he just loves Dan so fucking much. And he literally has no idea. He wraps his arms tightly around him, hugging him tightly and he tells him, “I’ll never leave you Dan, okay?” Dan nods in reply and hugs Phil back just as tightly. The two sit there together for a moment, Phil holding Dan tightly in his arms and he enjoys the moment for as long as he can, before he reluctantly tells Dan, “We need to talk,”

Dan breaks their hug and sits back a little, raising an eyebrow and asking, “About what?”

Phil bites his lip for a moment before blurting out, “The BBC wanted to talk to me today because - well, they’re fine with you taking another week out to sort out everything you’re going through but…” Phil trails off.

“But?” Dan asks slowly, not liking where this is going.

“But… I need to do the show this Sunday,” Phil admits. 

Dan’s eyes immediately go wide and he shakes his head. “No - I can do the show,” he insists. 

“Dan, we both know you’re not okay to do the show,” Phil tells him. “You just need another week to get it together again,”

“But I -” Dan cuts himself off with a small whine and just nestles in close to Phil again, allowing him to once again wrap his arms around him. He hesitates for a moment before he tells Phil, “I don’t want to be alone,” 

Phil can’t ignore the guilt he feels hearing Dan tell him that. “I - we can ask someone to come over while I do the show?” he suggests. 

Dan sighs and falls silent again. “I don’t -” he groans and buries his face in Phil’s shoulder, and Phil just runs his fingers through his hair, waiting patiently for him to tell him what’s wrong. “This is going to sound dumb but… I just want to be with you, Phil,” he finally admits. “I don’t know, you just get me and you - I don’t -” he groans again and then sighs, “I’m so dumb, I’m sorry,”

“You aren’t dumb,” Phil says immediately. “Okay, I get it?” he gives Dan a tight, little squeeze and tells him, “If you need me, I promise I’ll leave in the middle of the show and come right home, okay? I don’t care what anyone says, I’ll drop everything and come home, I promise,”

Dan sighs again. “You must think I’m so lame,” he mutters. “I’m so fucking pathetic,”

“Shut up, you aren’t,” Phil insists.

“I’m annoying,” Dan replies, shaking his head. “I’m probably always getting on your nerves-”

“You’re _not_ ,” Phil repeats, and Dan shuts up for a moment. “Look, I know Alix’s death wasn’t easy on you and I know you’re going through a rough time and I know you just… need someone to lean on right now. And I’m fine being that someone, You’re not annoying me at all by needing me okay?”

Dan’s lips curl into a shy smile. “Why are you so good to me?” he asks, once again, resting his head on Phil’s chest.

“Because I love you,” Phil replies immediately, and then tenses up immediately because oh shit, did he just say that out loud? His heart starts to pound harder than usual and just as he’s about to justify what he’s said, Dan softly says, “I love you too,”

* * *

It’s two in the morning and Dan can’t sleep - which isn’t unusual. Dan’s always been a bit of a night owl and rather than lying awake anxiously, haunted by nightmares he hadn’t even told Phil about, he finds himself welcoming his old ways of staying up until the wee hours of the morning editing or lurking on Tumblr or watching Netflix. However, since he had also gotten accustomed to sleeping in Phil’s room, he’s had to get used to Phil falling asleep at midnight and Dan having to be a bit quieter - and turn the brightness down on his laptop, since Phil is right next to him and it’s incredibly rude to shine a bright laptop light into someone’s sleeping face. 

Dan lurks down to the kitchen to make himself a cup of tea because it’s scientifically proven that tea will make you feel sleepy, or at least that’s his theory. As his tea is finishing, he hears footsteps and turns to see a sleepy Phil walking into the kitchen. “Hey, you,” he says with a smile. “What are you doing up?”

“Bathroom,” Phil yawns. “Then I saw you weren’t in bed so I went on a Dan Hunt,”

Dan chuckles a little. “Sorry for worrying you,” he says. “Tea?” 

Phil shakes his head, then asks Dan, “You hungry? You haven’t eaten much today,” Dan starts to say no because he’s really not hungry (an unfortunate side effect of anxiety attacks), but he can see the worry in Phil’s eyes and he tells him that he’ll have something. Smiling, Phil goes to heat him up some leftovers, which only takes a minute then Phil yelps as he takes the hot plate out of the microwave. 

“That hurt,” he pouts, shaking his hand a little.

“Want me to kiss it and make it better?” Dan teases, and Phil blushes furiously.

“Just shut up and eat your food,” he rolls his eyes and reaches for Dan’s fork the same time Dan reaches for it. Their fingers brush against each others, and Dan looks up at Phil. When they lock eyes, he feels his stomach dips a little, like the feeling you get right before the big drop on a rollercoaster. And he doesn’t understand why; he’s touched Phil’s hands dozens of times, even held hands with him before - why is now any different? (And it makes him gag to think of something so utterly rom-com cliche but he can’t deny it that he felt a bit of a spark when Phil’s finger brushed against his, one that went from his fingertip all the way to his heart, which caused it to start working in overtime the longer he and Phil stared at each other).

“Da-” Phil is cut off by Dan placing a hand on his waist and after a brief moment of hesitation, he leans in forward and presses his lips to Phil’s. Phil’s entire body goes rigid for a moment as he tries to process everything that’s going on because part of him is convinced that he’s still dreaming, but just as Dan’s about to break the kiss, Phil kisses him back. Dan’s other hand moves to Phil’s waist, holding him in close to him and Phil brings his hands up to cup Dan’s face. And this isn’t either of them’s first kiss, but it’s the first kiss that matters. 

A moment passes and Dan’s eyes go wide because _oh shit_ he’s kissing Phil and Phil doesn’t even like him like that, he can’t possibly like him like that but does he even like Phil like that and before he realizes what he’s doing, Dan pushes away from Phil, backing up from him. “Oh my god, I’m so sorry!” he blurts out and starts rambling about how sorry he is, ignoring the way Phil’s telling him that it’s fine and in the midst of his hysteria he mutters, “I don’t even know why I did that,”

Phil snaps his mouth shut because yeah, that hurts a little. He should’ve known better than to get too comfortable with Dan and he kicks himself because of course Dan wouldn’t have feelings like him. Because when it comes down to it, Dan’s amazing and beautiful and talented and special… he’s the Empire State Building of human beings, and Phil’s just a simple Tesco shop. “Look, don’t freak out okay,” he tells him, struggling to keep his voice even. “Let’s just… pretend it never happened, alright?” 

Dan frowns a little hearing Phil say that and all he can utter is an, “Oh,” before the silence between them get awkward and Phil takes that as his opportunity to leave and all Dan can do is stand there, wondering what just happened and where he went wrong…

* * *

Even though Dan and Phil both said they would forget the kiss happened, it turns out they’re both really shit at acting that’s not the only thing on either of their minds. Because things are so awkward between the two of them and they both hate it but they don’t know what to do about it. It gets to the point where Dan “moves out” of Phil’s bedroom and back into his own, where his sleepless nights become more frequent, especially after he’s gotten used to sleeping next to the warmth of Phil. And that’s just the beginning of the two of them avoiding each other; Phil still goes out of his life to ask Dan if he ever needs anything, to which Dan just replies that he doesn’t and even though Phil knows he’s lying, he doesn’t press the subject because it hurts too much to be around Dan right now. Every time he sees him, it’s like his heart is being ripped out again and again and there’s nothing he can do to stop the pain.

Phil hates himself for this. Why did he have to fall for his best friend? Why did he have to fall even harder while his best friend was in such a vulnerable state? And worst of all, why didn’t get just man up and tell Dan that he likes him, that he doesn’t want to forget the kiss, because deep down he believes the risk might’ve been worth it. Maybe… 

But that’s neither here nor there; Phil can’t take much more of this and he knows he needs to talk to Dan, but he hasn’t a clue how to start or even what to say. He just knows he hates all the awkwardness and the avoiding each other and he hates having to pretend that he’s okay with all of this when he’s not and he hates that he’s so afraid of rejection and of Dan not loving him back that he’s let it get to this point. But most of all, he just wants his Dan back.

Dan’s in no better a state than Phil is. There aren’t enough words to elaborate how shitty Dan feels because first he loses Alix and now he’s losing Phil. He doesn’t know whether he regrets the kiss or not because kissing Phil just felt… right. Like their lips were just made for each other, like they were two pieces finally finding each other and coming together perfectly. But Phil wants to forget it happened and Dan doesn’t know if he can do that. Because he can’t stop thinking about it, the way Phil’s lips felt against his, the way his hands felt on Phil’s waist, the way Phil’s hands felt on his face… 

But it shouldn’t have happened, because Phil didn’t want it to. And now Dan regrets it more than ever because of what’s happened because of it. He hates sleeping alone and he hates feeling like he’s living with a stranger and he hates all of the tension and awkwardness and he hates being so afraid to tell Phil how he feels and he hates that he doesn’t know how to deal with any of this. But most of all, he just wants his Phil back.

* * *

It’s been a few days since the kiss and Phil still hasn’t really gotten used to going to sleep without Dan pressed up against his side. He lies awake in bed, staring at the ceiling and trying to piece together a solution to this problem when through the walls, he hears a loud cry. Without a second thought, he gets up from his bed and rushes over to Dan’s room to check up on him. 

He opens Dan’s door, entering his room to see the brunette sitting up in his bed, a hand pressed to his chest, breathing heavily, gasping for breath. Phil supposes he’s had a bad dream or something, and he instantly feels bad, as if he’s the one who caused it. “Hey, you alright?” he asks, taking a seat on the edge of his bed. 

Dan takes a moment to catch his breath before raising his head to look at him and it’s like a dam bursting at that moment because he exclaims, “No. No, Phil, I’m not alright!” and Phil’s a bit taken aback but Dan pays no mind to it because he keeps going, “I - I haven’t been alright for days Phil and you - fuck - you promised you wouldn’t leave me!”

Ouch. If that wasn’t a low blow, whether intended or not, Phil doesn’t know what is and he literally feels the pain in his gut. 

“I’m sorry for kissing you, okay?” Dan tells him. “I’m sorry for needing you, I’m sorry for being so fucking pathetic all the time but I just want things to go back to the way they were before, okay? Please I just-”

“Dan, stop, it’s not your fault,” Phil cuts in. “Okay, it’s really not, it’s mine. I - I let my feelings cloud my judgement and I acted like a jerk and _I’m_ sorry, okay?”

Dan takes a deep breath, calming down a little and he asks, “Did it really ruin everything? The kiss, I mean - did it ruin everything?”

Phil hesitates for a moment, and then he realizes that he can’t keep being afraid and it’s now or never at this point so he takes a deep breath himself and he tells Dan, “The reason I acted like such a jerk after you kissed me was because… Dan, I really like you.” Dan’s eyes go wide but Phil can’t stop now, he’s not about to lose his nerve and he just keeps rambling on, “I think I might love you - like, really love you. And it scares the hell out of me because I’ve never loved anyone like this before. And - and when you kissed me, I just…” Phil sighs. “I was afraid that you only kissed me as like… a thank you or something, you know? Because I’ve been there for you ever since Alix died and because I was, like, your rock during the past few weeks. I know things were hard for you and I know you were feeling really vulnerable and I was afraid when you kissed me you weren’t thinking clearly or something but…” he sighs again, his stomach feeling like it’s wound up in so many knots that he may just vomit right on Dan’s bedroom floor but he swallows back the feeling and he tells him, “I want you to want me, but I want it to be when it’s right,” 

Dan stares at him for a moment before his lips curl into a small smile, and Phil doesn’t know what to make of it until he tells him, “How could you not have seen that I’ve always wanted you Phil? It’s _always_ been right for me,” 

And at that moment, Phil feels like he’s the embodiment of the Empire State Building, standing tall and proud right next to Dan and this time, when Dan leans in to shyly press his lips to Phil’s, he kisses back with all the passion he can muster up, and yeah, it definitely feels right this time. So right.

He breaks the kiss to press his forehead to Dan’s, and he whispers to him, “This time i mean it, I’m not going to leave you” and Dan whispers back, “I know,” and there’s no maybe about it - this is going to be the start of something amazing.


End file.
